Back to work,
Back to work,
To prove to my husband that I'm not a jerk.
Gotta do my part to support the fam, but really, does it have to involve being away from my baby? I've considered other ways I could possibly make money by staying home and playing with my baby all day. I've heard foot porn can be lucrative. Like you sell your socks and pictures of your feet to people who are into that. Of course, a girl's gotta have standards... but what if that did pay well? You could probably write off pedicures as a business expense. I'm just sayin'...
Um, so day 3 of back to work is done. 186 more to go. (yep, I'll be counting) First day wasn't so bad, I'm still six years old apparently by getting all worked up for going back to school. Then came the second day, about 11:30am when it hit me that I have to continue to go back to work. Every. Day. I tried deep breathing, I tried forcing a smile, I tried pretending I was totally cool, then I decided to just close my eyes and shake it off and out came the tears.
Uncontrollable, big fat, I can't see three inches in front of me, TEARS. And then I thought about all of the things I could be doing with Cade, and the breathing stopped. Okay, it started and stopped, but you get the picture. Thank God for waterproof Almay mascara, ya'll. It just dissolved, no big black streaks. I called my mom, I called my husband. I tried to collect myself as I sat in an empty classroom and pumped away.
It was misery. Today was better, but when I think about how much I'm torn between loving my students and loving my son I start to lose it. I want so badly to have my cake and eat it too. Work with these amazing kids, and yet feel like I have enough time with Cade. I don't know how to balance it and get everything that needs doing done. It will be better when the kids start coming and then I'll be wrapped up in everything that is fun and fabulous about them. Until then, I'm heartbroken. Scratch that...My heart now beats outside my body, and I'm separated from it for 9 hours a day. Every working mom deserves a big fat gold medal and diamond tiara to wear every day. I'm putting in an order for us at Tiffany's!