Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Wordless Wednesday

Four days of ice fell in Texas two weeks ago.
This is our story.
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Sunday, December 1, 2013

How to Decorate with a Toddler

This Saturday, I did it. I decorated my house for the holidays with a 2 and a half and 4 and a half year old running around.  It was a total joyous breeze. Here is the breakdown of how you too can accomplish decorating with children.

7:15am  Children wake you up. Cuddle in bed. Get kicked in the face and stomach a few times but cuddle them anyways. Notice that kids don't have cute morning breath. Puppies, yes. Children, no.
7:45am Take 2 year old to bathroom. She doesn't pee. Put her in underpants. Pray. Set the timer to remind her (and you) to do another potty check in 15 min.
7:50am Turn on cartoons for the littles. Make breakfast. Since you want to set the tone for the Christmas spirit make some fresh eggs and bacon. The kids want more pumpkin bread. You don't want to give them the final piece, so you break it into small chunks. Pray they don't mind.
8:00am Timer dings. Go try potty. She pees. (Or "peeps" as she calls it). Call Miss Rachel on the Potty Training app. God bless the iPhone. Set the timer for 30 min.
8:05am Remember to let the dog out and give her breakfast. Shush kids so Daddy can sleep in.
8:15am   Eat your own breakfast, drink coffee. Change the channel so you get E! News. You can't decorate if you don't have celeb gossip.
8:30am Timer. Potty train. Nothing. Pray.
8:45am Finish coffee. Clean up dishes. Have kids try to bring you their plates. Clean up spilled cold eggs. Why didn't they eat their eggs? They only ate bacon and their bit of pumpkin bread. Oh well.
8:46am Turn on Christmas music on the tv.
8:55am Take down fall and Thanksgiving decorations. Yes, you should have those. No, you don't need Christmas before Thanksgiving. That's a separate rant post.
8:57am Potty accident.
8:57am Turn off Christmas music. Go clean up Potty accident.
9:15am Finish gathering Fall decor. Find a tub. It's full of old Christmas photos and crappy decor and lame children's art. (Trust, I save the good stuff.) Recyle. Save photos. Put in fall decor.
9:30am Dust the room. You need a clean slate. Windex the mirror. Husband is awake and grabs your butt as you clean the mirror. Kids weren't looking. Or were they? Pray.
9:40am Remember to potty with the little girl. Peeps! Yay! Potty app. Virtual sticker. Yay! Set the timer.
9:50am Kids are hungry for a snack. Punks didn't eat breakfast. Try to get them to eat something healthy. They eat crackers and M&Ms instead. Oh well. At least the Halloween Stash is going strong.
9:53am Refill cups for kids.
9:55am Get down Christmas boxes. Beg husband to break away from College Gameday during the commercial break to help you get boxes down. Keep begging. Beg again. Pray.
10:15am Boxes are down. Start to unpack. Baby girl wants to be close to you. Bring highchair over. Put her in it. Unpack and try to remember where you actually put all this stuff.
10:19am Potty accident. In the highchair. Arghsdkjsajfakl! Pray.
10:35am Encourage kids to play together. Turn on a movie in the other room for them.
10:40am Go take a potty break yourself. Read some US Weekly. Check Facebook. Check instagram.
10:50am Your butt is numb. Go lay on the bed. The kids are quiet but not too quiet. Check Facebook again. Check Zulily.
11:00am Play with kids.
11:15am Potty timer dings. Yay! Success. Potty app.
11:20am Kids want lunch. Make Thanksgiving leftovers.
11:30am Decorate.
11:45am. Beg husband to find some Diet Dr Pepper. Go with sweet tea instead. Take a sip. Have three Fritos. 
12:00pm Potty timer dings. Nothing. Oh well, nap time. Put on a pull up. Put her in bed. Convince the boy he needs a nap.
12:10pm Decorate.
12:35pm Eat lunch.
12:50pm Decorate.
1:20pm Exhaustion. The decorations are done. Go to bed and try to nap while the kids nap.
1:35pm Wow, wtf was the author of the Book Thief smoking in the first ten pages?? Keep reading. zzzzzzzz
1:55pm 4 year climbs into bed to cuddle with you. Convince him to nap.
2:15 He's done napping. Give him your iPhone so he can play Minion Rush. On silent. Try to nap.....

And still.... all that and my decorations look half ass. We got our tree today - fresh cut from the Home Depot parking lot "farm". I always forget the tree has to live outside in a bucket of water for a few days so it doesn't dry out. Arggh. So I've moved the furniture for the tree and now it feels almost like something Christmas-ish. A little. Why does the tree make all the difference? Why is such an ordeal? Why oh why does sap get so damn sticky? Anyways....

Hoping your decorating was a success! Or that you had your cocktail handy. Or even better, a babysitter to remove children from the premises so you can enjoy your Christmas music, bev, and decor. There's always next year...

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