Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Mamanoia. Like paranoia. But strictly for mamas. Starts the second you decide to start trying for a baby. It's a crazy mix of anxiety disorder with OCD with Tourette's with BiPolar (or maybe PentaPolar, mamas def have more than 2 Polaris that we swing between). Still confused? Okay, here goes.

Are we really ready for a baby? Okay, so like go off the pill NOW or next week? Am I ovulating? Wtf is CM? How many days late am I? Oh, I'm not late? Is that a period or implantation? Hm, what's better EPT or First Response? Is this how you use an EPT? Is that two lines? Does a faded half line count? What do you mean "internal sonogram"? Are hot dogs safe? How about highlights? Do gender predictor tests work? How do you calculate lunar age? So I have to drink this orange drink? Ew gross? Why am I doing this? Please let it be a girl, what if it's another boy? Will I be a bad mom if I cry? Will my baby know if I am sad? If it's another boy can he at least be gay so we can shop and get pedis and watch rom com? It's a girl! Oh shit. What if she isn't cute? Does God hate me for thinking that? Will she be so ugly now? What if baby #1 hates the baby? What if we get in a car wreck? In a river and we are sinking and I only have to choose one kid to save? Oh shit. Should I just have had one baby so I never have to choose? Wait I have to deliver another baby? Will it be harder or easier? Wait what's this epidural agreement? I have to agree that I understand that I could be paralyzed and die if the epidural goes wrong? Did I agree to that last time? Yeah, that last time when I felt EVERYTHING?! Is hubs REALLY f'ing stopping for a Red Bull on our way to the hospital making us late for the induction? Can I kill him now? Oh shit. We have to deliver this baby now? Can I make the nurses let me eat a burger? Why won't they let me eat now? So is jello okay? Where's my nurse? Can I eat jello? Hello?! Will I hurt my baby if I eat Jello???!! She's crowning? I can't believe it! She is here? Ohmygod what's her f'ing Apgar? Six week haze of no sleep and bliss....Why does she need more vaccines? Why is her head flattish? Will she need a helmet too? Can I get a discount this time? How would I decorate it? Wait-- she doesn't need a helmet? Are you sure? She is how big? That's good right? Oh. 95th percentile for weight? Oh. Shit. Is that my fault? Do I have to give up chicken tenders and ranch? When do I need to start brushing her gums? When did I last give the dog a bath? When did I last bathe? Will anyone notice my hair is kinda gross? Why does daycare put on diaper cream like that? Is that diaper cream? Do babies get CM? ??

I am beat.
Mamanoia is so hard to escape.
The crazier the momma the more she loves her baby...right?
Or the more the mama says "F it!" to all of the above, the better momma she is. Right?

I have gotten better about just saying to myself "I'll figure it out later" and then enjoying my life. One minute worrying is okay. Twenty minutes obsessing is a waste. Way better to count my blessings and snuggle with my littles and thank God that today our future together is as long as I can imagine. Kiss them all over before they get big and won't let me. Whisper affirmations into their sleeping ears and breathing in their warm snugly baby breath.

If that fails, grab a Diet Dr. Pepper and some Cheetos and Oreos. Double stuf. (editor note: thank God I caught that just now. Autocorrect just changed Cheetos to "machetes"!)

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