Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Wtf, mommies?

Sometimes people amaze me. Just when I think my parenting skills are garbage, stupid freaking mommies have to go and make me feel superior (Me? Oh I just have a healthy dose of mommy guilt this week for plugging my son into the laptop for another DVD so I could enjoy the Today show.. What?? Mommy loves me some Matt Lauer!)

We had a play date today with one of Cade's besties at the mall play yard. I love to kid watch at these things. Kids baffle me. Some with their cuteness, most of them with their utter craziness. It always makes me love my child so much more when I witness the freak shows that show up. Today howevs, the other mommies gave my mommy bud and I PLENTY to judge and laugh (yes, and scoff) at.

Freak Momma #1: The "fat or pregnant?" momma who dressed her one year old in four layers of pants. Four. The outside temp was 51 with the promise of turning 62 today. First thing I noticed though was the kid was walking funny. I didn't know if he had a diaper situation going on or if he had just got off a bull ride. Then I started to laugh (yes, at the one year old. Shoot me) when I realized the kid was a dead ringer for Randy on A Christmas Story. He could barely walk due to his shockingly puffy red ski pants. Next time the kid came by he was in a different pair of pants. Through these light colored long johns I could spot at least one more pair of pants. Thank God he didn't die of heat stroke. At least not on my watch.

Freak Momma #2: At first I admired you for bringing your cooler to the mall so you could feed your litter of children what must have been healthy snacks. Good for you I thought. Then I realized you were totally out and proud with breaking the "no food in play yard" rule and I worried you would get make the mall cops crack down and ruin it for the rest of us. Seriously. If you ruin Momma's Auntie Annie pretzel fix I may cut you. (not even sure what this means, but it sounds tough enough given what's at stake.) But what earned you (and your baby faced husband) freak badges was your purposefully strutting through the kids running and playing to feed your daughter a spoonful of yogurt while the kid was ON THE SLIDE. Wtf, mommy? Your husband was also stalking the others in your litter to offer up bites of sandwich as they played. Um, grossly unsanitary and what ever happened to choking hazard?

Freak Momma #3: (actually you are a dad. And technically this should be an honorable mention for being a perv). Thanks for leaning over the rail to chat with your baby momma/wife and notice me slyly putting on my nursing cover. Thanks for continuing to ogle me from afar as you leaned over and tried to glimpse a nip slip. Baby girl had to eat. I'm sorry. I didn't want to go into my nonexistent freezer stash to bring a bottle to the mall. I had to mom up and save those for when I go to work. Or to my NYE party. I don't need to feel more awkward than I already do. Leave me to my momma duty oblivion where I pretend I am not offending anyone. Or turning them on. Whatevs.

Freak Momma #4: Sista, you take the CAKE! Thank YOU for bringing your two year old terrorist to the mall today. The four kids who got hurt by your child in the five minutes I was watching him also send their thanks. If you know your child likes to whap kids on the head repeatedly, drag them off the climbing structures, push, and hit then MAYBE he needs a different form of entertainment. Like a dog run. With pit bulls. I assume you knew this about your child because why else would you dress him in all red? So Lucifer would know where to find him when it was Daddy's turn to watch him? You were sitting right by me and watched your son hit a smaller child on the head at least 6 times before the boy's mom rescued him. Your kid is lucky I had my infant in my arms. But then three more kids got hurt in the next five minutes. I'm glad little Damian got some nice hugs from you as a consequence. Is it bad that I sort of wished your little terror touched my son so I could tell you how it really is? I kind of did, I also wanted to write down the name of a good family psychologist, but I didn't know if that would turn into me being a Good Samaritan or a citizen's arrest type deal. Whatevs. You are Freak o' the week. Hope you lock your bedroom door at night, lest your toddler get you.

My fave part of the freak show was the two obnoxious boys chasing each other playing tag. One by fell down as he tagged the other with a swift hand to the kid's crotch. Tee hee hee! I'm still laughing about that.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

5 months old!

Wearing the Santa onesie Mom and Dad saved from when I was a baby.
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A Christmas Story

 A Christmas Story.
Lambie style.
Photos compliments of my brand new, Canon Rebel T3i with 18-135 mm lens kit!
Thank you, Santa! Mommy likey.

First we I decked the halls.
Ornaments were a Big Lots score back in college. Now they are my guests' fave decor.

All dolled up for Christmas Eve celebration with the in-laws.
Getting a family pic with four of us smiling at once: biggest challenge ev-er!

The whole crew.
Momma's girl is ready to hear some carols and the story of baby Jesus' birth!
My fave pic of hubs. I love this man!
My Devy doll admiring the lights on the tree.
Worth all 2 days it took me to string up the tree of 2,000+ lights.
A Christmas Eve tradition...reading The Night Before Christmas.
Saying good bye until next year to Jingle Jangle, our elf on the shelf. Tell Santa we love him!
Christmas morning. Santa brought Cade the rocketship of his dreams and a cowboy hat and cowboy boots.  Devyn got a play with me picnic basket, teethers, and books.
"Look! Santa ate the cookies and the milk!"
Our little cowboy with his battle axe.
My God. There are no words to describe this child.
Cute, precious, and adorable just aren't enough sometimes.
Yay for matching jammy scammies!  Thanks Target for the pair of jammies under $30. 
No thanks to Hannah Anderson's jammies which were $30 EACH. I think not.
A Christmas day visit from Papa and Lolli. In outfit #2.

Christmas dinner at Grammie & Grandaddy's house. In outfit #3.

More to come on our Christmas escapades.
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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Eve

It is almost midnight on Christmas Eve and I am sitting here rocking Devyn in the dark. I am half dreaming of Cade and Dev's joy tomorrow, thinking of all the pictures I want to make sure to take and praying that Cade experiences the magic of Santa and that we blew him away. I am also half reflecting on the season, already sad that it's almost over and thinking of how I wish I did this or that differently. Thank goodness my children are very young and I can streamline the gift shopping, cards, wrapping, and events better next year.

Things I have learned:

- Keep a separate tub of the little gifties tucked away with a list so I can check off what I need. Don't wait until the 24th to buy, buy as you go all season!

- Request a wish list from all family members due to you before Thanksgiving. Shop early as possible and stick to the budget for once. Jeeez.

- label each Christmas decor box by room, so you can easily decorate and remember where you like to traditionally put stuff.

- keep old Christmas photos in the frames you use all year. I like to rotate seasonally with my fave family pics all season.

- Start a scrapbook of Christmas photo cards friends send out along with fave recipes you tried that year and maybe a few family pics or memories from that holiday season.

- Have a checklist of family holiday activities planned on Dec. 1, schedule in a couple of outings each weekend in December.

- Host a gingerbread house decorating day for the kids and their fun moms!

- Do one family community outreach activity, like making cards for the elderly in nursing homes or volunteering at SPCA or buying gifts for a family in need.

- Have a crafting day with girlfriends the last weekend in November to make Christmas decorations or wreaths.

- plant more bushes and crepe myrtles in the spring/summer so we have more places to hang our Christmas lights!

- Buy a big, pre lit artificial tree and put it out the first week in December! No more stringing lights artfully on a real tree (the Martha Stewart method I use takes me 2-3 days to achieve the desired glow).

- Buy more tissue paper dammit!

- lesson learned: at white elephant gift exchanges your gag gift should include a gift card so the gift is 50% gag and 50% useful! Soooo embarrassed to get it wrong this year!

- shop for tacky Christmas sweaters all year round.

- Make sure to pay attention to children's holiday movies, they explain a lot of Santa magic.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Second best

The tides have turned around here. Little man has changed his rankings and now, there is a clear favorite and his name is Daddy. That's right bloggies, Mommy is now second best. I am well aware we have grandparents who would LOVE to be second best, but for me--- this is a huge loss. For a long time Cade has been generous in his love for both of us. It has seemed, to me at least, that Mommy and Daddy were both the king and queen of his heart. It was nice to stand up on that top rung together. As competitive as I am, I really didn't mind.

In the last week or so, however, Daddy has been given a special throne. He doesn't want to go to bed, he wants to Snuggle with Daddy. He doesn't want Mommy to brush his teeth or read his bedtime story. No, no. "Go 'way, Mommy. Daddy do it!"

Um, ouch. Obvs that's going to sting. I am used to being needed by that boy, which morphed into a special kind of mommy love. I guess that's cheating, being a nursing mommy def gives you an advantage.

My shock and disappointment at being ousted from #1 position dissipated however, as I saw the many benefits of being number 2. I don't have to be the one to brush his teeth, do nighttime potty routine, and read him his story? After the first night I did the walk of shame out of his room I found myself standing alone in the living room staring at the dog. "what do I do now??" I asked our little fluffernut. Her eyes told me, "Make some hot tea and let's go to bed!" But mommy robot brain took over first and screamed,"Laundry! Dishwasher! You have 15 free minutes. Go! Go!"

The house was sparkling, and I made it just in time for little man's prayers. He glared at me (at least I thought he did) as we said our blessings, he gave me the cold shoulder when I went for a hug, but he did kiss me back, sort of...

As I went for my final Oreo of the night it hit me, if you can't be #1 in your toddler's heart, a clean house sure ain't a bad second place!

Monday, December 5, 2011

WTF, hubs?

The day before Thanksgiving I have a sweet little tradition where I go to Central Market and buy my fresh produce and any other last minute things I need before the cooking begins.  I love the hustle and bustle and picking out of only the most fresh green beans for one of my specialty dishes. It's been a "thing" and I love it. Then this year came along. Working mom. 2 year old. 4 month old. Cold, windy weather. So when hubs called from work and offered to hit up the supermarket (there's that word again, grrr daycare!) I was elated!  I emailed him a v. detailed list of precisely what I needed.  I cozied back into my little nook on the couch, cuddling both kids under a blanket and was in bliss. I even texted the Mother In Law to tell her how amazing her son was! (There may or may not have been a reference to how excellent his husband training was going after all these years. See? It CAN be done!)

When hubs got back from the supermarket (one of the special supermarkets on my approved "You May Buy Thanksgiving goods here" list) he even unloaded all the groceries. A-MAZING! Yet as he's doing this he is going on and on about how awesome Market Street's premade deli meals are.  In detail. He was saying something along the lines of "We don't even have to cook at all! The whole Thanksgiving is right there. Waiting for you! For just FIVE DOLLARS!" He then had to go back out to pick up the frying oil from another store.  I cuddled with the kids on the couch. Blissed out and amazed that hubs did all the Thanksgiving shopping AND unloaded groceries AND was going to the other store for me. Then I slowly started piecing together his last words. "Whole Thanksgiving Dinner....don't even have to cook."..... Um...... wtf, hubs?!

My suspicion quickly turned to borderline rage. Each step I stomped into the kitchen to see exactly what kind of damage had occured I prayed. Please. Say. He. Didn't. stomp. stomp. stomp. Ho. Lee. Shit! He DID. 

What you see here: mac n' cheese, brocolli cheese casserole, creamed corn, sausage balls, green beans almondine, garlic mashed potatoes, pecan pie, and pumpkin pie.
Exhibit B: cheddar cheese popcorn, Ritz, Coors Light, peanuts (enough for your pet elephant, thank God), velveeta, trail mix, Rotel x2, Owens sausage, gourmet summer sausage, and tamales. (Of course, tamales!)

So, I don't think I need to mention that these are not exactly the items that were on the itemized list of my specialty Thanksgiving dishes.  In fact, were fresh green beans even bought? Um, that's a negative.  Hubs bought himself a whole BANQUET of food to eat post-Thanksgiving. Were we planning a Black Friday football party? No.  White Trash Thanksgiving theme this year? No. Hosting a frat house? No.  This ladies, is what happens when you send hubs to the store and he hasn't eaten beforehand.

Thankfully he was out of the house when I saw this kitchen nightmare... I totally needed the spare thirty minutes to calm down before he came home to me.

I did have to make a grocery run when he got back for the fresh green beans. Thankfully, miracle of all miracles, neighborhood Kroger folks were also in cheerful, lightning speed shopping mode, so navigating was quick.  Thankfully, hubs watched both kids so said run on Thanksgiving Eve NIGHT (nightmare time to shop) went much smoother than anticipated.

Update: Did hubs eat all the food? No. Not yet.  Cleaning lady comes this week, so he gets to sit in front of the fridge with a trash bag and throw out whatever spoiled before he got a chance to eat it. Thankfully most of the goods in pic 2 never expire (or is that kind of gross? I don't know.)  And he did make a good dent in the stuff on pic 1. (Cadester helped. I refused. I pretty much got to polish off my homecooked leftovers by myself and sent the other two thirds of them home with our family on Thanksgiving day.)

Moral of the story: Don't let hubs shop hungry. 
Wifely lesson: I still love this man. One of the endearing traits I loved about him is his childlike spirit. We both love being kids at heart, and I know that this grocery run was a HUGE success for his 12 year old self.  (Enter visual of skinny little pubescent Nick fist pumping the air in his tapered leg jeans and Nikes.)  I love that man.
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