Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Wtf, mommies?

Sometimes people amaze me. Just when I think my parenting skills are garbage, stupid freaking mommies have to go and make me feel superior (Me? Oh I just have a healthy dose of mommy guilt this week for plugging my son into the laptop for another DVD so I could enjoy the Today show.. What?? Mommy loves me some Matt Lauer!)

We had a play date today with one of Cade's besties at the mall play yard. I love to kid watch at these things. Kids baffle me. Some with their cuteness, most of them with their utter craziness. It always makes me love my child so much more when I witness the freak shows that show up. Today howevs, the other mommies gave my mommy bud and I PLENTY to judge and laugh (yes, and scoff) at.

Freak Momma #1: The "fat or pregnant?" momma who dressed her one year old in four layers of pants. Four. The outside temp was 51 with the promise of turning 62 today. First thing I noticed though was the kid was walking funny. I didn't know if he had a diaper situation going on or if he had just got off a bull ride. Then I started to laugh (yes, at the one year old. Shoot me) when I realized the kid was a dead ringer for Randy on A Christmas Story. He could barely walk due to his shockingly puffy red ski pants. Next time the kid came by he was in a different pair of pants. Through these light colored long johns I could spot at least one more pair of pants. Thank God he didn't die of heat stroke. At least not on my watch.

Freak Momma #2: At first I admired you for bringing your cooler to the mall so you could feed your litter of children what must have been healthy snacks. Good for you I thought. Then I realized you were totally out and proud with breaking the "no food in play yard" rule and I worried you would get make the mall cops crack down and ruin it for the rest of us. Seriously. If you ruin Momma's Auntie Annie pretzel fix I may cut you. (not even sure what this means, but it sounds tough enough given what's at stake.) But what earned you (and your baby faced husband) freak badges was your purposefully strutting through the kids running and playing to feed your daughter a spoonful of yogurt while the kid was ON THE SLIDE. Wtf, mommy? Your husband was also stalking the others in your litter to offer up bites of sandwich as they played. Um, grossly unsanitary and what ever happened to choking hazard?

Freak Momma #3: (actually you are a dad. And technically this should be an honorable mention for being a perv). Thanks for leaning over the rail to chat with your baby momma/wife and notice me slyly putting on my nursing cover. Thanks for continuing to ogle me from afar as you leaned over and tried to glimpse a nip slip. Baby girl had to eat. I'm sorry. I didn't want to go into my nonexistent freezer stash to bring a bottle to the mall. I had to mom up and save those for when I go to work. Or to my NYE party. I don't need to feel more awkward than I already do. Leave me to my momma duty oblivion where I pretend I am not offending anyone. Or turning them on. Whatevs.

Freak Momma #4: Sista, you take the CAKE! Thank YOU for bringing your two year old terrorist to the mall today. The four kids who got hurt by your child in the five minutes I was watching him also send their thanks. If you know your child likes to whap kids on the head repeatedly, drag them off the climbing structures, push, and hit then MAYBE he needs a different form of entertainment. Like a dog run. With pit bulls. I assume you knew this about your child because why else would you dress him in all red? So Lucifer would know where to find him when it was Daddy's turn to watch him? You were sitting right by me and watched your son hit a smaller child on the head at least 6 times before the boy's mom rescued him. Your kid is lucky I had my infant in my arms. But then three more kids got hurt in the next five minutes. I'm glad little Damian got some nice hugs from you as a consequence. Is it bad that I sort of wished your little terror touched my son so I could tell you how it really is? I kind of did, I also wanted to write down the name of a good family psychologist, but I didn't know if that would turn into me being a Good Samaritan or a citizen's arrest type deal. Whatevs. You are Freak o' the week. Hope you lock your bedroom door at night, lest your toddler get you.

My fave part of the freak show was the two obnoxious boys chasing each other playing tag. One by fell down as he tagged the other with a swift hand to the kid's crotch. Tee hee hee! I'm still laughing about that.

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