Sunday, April 11, 2010

Toy Boxes are Satan's gift to birthdays

This post is a big "wtf!" to toy manufacturers. I realized this weekend that toy boxes are the biggest pain in the ass nightmare to deal with. First off, they make it so the toddler toy is clearly touchable and testable in store. Problem #1: Whilst walking through Target you are forced to listen to the same creepy childlike voice sing "Come play with me!" as your toddler discovers the true fun of said toy. Problem #2: When the one year old gets the toy for his birthday he is able to play with it in box. Sounds fun. Until he REALLY wants to play with it. Out of the box.

Just trying to unwrap the toy is where the nightmare begins. You'd think, knowing the attention span and patience of a 12 month old, that Fisher Price would know that the toy removal from box process should take at MOST 60 seconds. Problem #3: It does not take 60 seconds. Once you are able to determine which part of the box you should open from, you get the toy halfway out to realize it has been affixed to (problem #4) a cardboard platform. WITH WIRE (#5). Being the good mom that you are, you take a deep breath and press the button to activate obnoxious singing toy so your child doesn't tantrum. You take a sip of your half glass full juice and say to yourself "Ah it's not so bad, it's just a few twist ties"....

You begin untwisting the first of five wires (#6) and you realize that the ties have not been twisted in any coherent pattern. In fact there seems to be an intricate system of twist clockwise, unthread, twist counterclockwise, unthread, and so on (#7). You give a little cheer when you get the wire undone. Your baby claps his hands and then you both realize there are four more wires to untangle before the toy is free from the platform (#8, #9, #10, #11). And you grab your scissors and knives and hack away at the rest of them. Score! The toy is finally free from it's cardboard hellhole. And then you realize that there's a protective wire and plastic casing around the figure's head (#12). While you cut away at this plastic, not giving 2 flips if the toy totally breaks. You hear a squeal of delight and realize that baby is playing with the cardboard/wire remnants. Oops, you free the toy and then grab away the tetanus shot waiting to happen and dispose of it in the garage and lock the door because your little one knows how to free anything from the trash/recycling.

You are breathing normally then you realize your baby is going for the mega scissors you used to free the toy. You yank the scissors out of his reach and shove the toy in his face. He cries and refuses to play with the toy that promised to be educational, fun, and get them into an Ivy League school with partial scholarship. Awesome.

You hand him some wire free cardboard, he's happy. You head to the fridge to get a cold one and relax....As soon as you open your can and sink into the couch you see he's grabbed another birthday toy and wants someone to open it. And thus the cycle begins again. Because


  1. I feel your pain. Happy Birthday Cade. What a big boy.

  2. Hilary, you seriously crack me up. You're going to become the new "it mommy blogger" and end up on Oprah! ;) And yes, I feel your pain. It takes forever to get those dang toys out of the box and by the time you do, the babies are over it!!!


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