Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Confessions of a new mom

I'm feeling lame again, so here are my confessions.

1. Apparently I have forgotten about zippers. 9 months in prego panel/faux waist pants have totally erased 23 years of zipper pant experience. (Okay, not so much 9 months, as I was that girl who stupidly REFUSED to surrender to maternity well into second trimester I kicked myself in the ass when I realized how misguided I was. And when my OB told me to stop suffocating my fetus and to bench the Rock N Republics) Anyways, I've been out in public too many times when I've realized oops XYZ, the gates are open, gone fly fishing, airing the little lady. To make matters more humiliating, about 9 out of 10 times someone has had to tell me. I've been at dinner, the mall, the Autism conference with my pants undone.

2. The zipper dilemma doesn't end at my fly. Yesterday I was at the mall with my mom and Cade, feeling way cute in my short plaid dress (v. Taylor Swift, ruffles + plaid = rockin'). I'm in a store reaching for some designer hair product and my mom mumbles, laughs and zips me up. Turns out the dress had a side zipper from the armpit down to the waist. My left side (bra, ribs, love handle) was totally exposed. wtf? I have no explanation.

3. As I mentioned earlier, I was so anti-maternity clothes my first trimester. Now I can't get enough. Of course I'd love to be able to wear my same little cotton tees, but they're just not quite right yet. So I've been buying more in bigger sizes (mostly due to these HUGE nursing boobs, also for the remainder of my kangaroo pouch that refuses to shrink away. Rascally last 8 pounds, grr) On my weekly spree to Target I notice good ol' Liz Lange has some way cute shirts out for summer. So yes, I bought one. It fits kind of cute, kind of awkward. Oh well, can never have too many sleep shirts, right?

4. I'm obsessed with my baby. If I weren't his mother I might be arrested for the amount of time I spend obsessing about him. I carry around my camera even when he's not around so I can show off pics. The nail ladies today asked about him, bam! here are my favorite 16 pics ladies, you like? One lady asked "How is your baby?" My response: He's holding up his head, rolling over, can sit supported in his Bumbo, doing great with tummy time, doing this cute thing with his tongue... Obnoxious. Even more shameful, Nick will come home from work and I'll be on the laptop looking at pics of Cade on Picasa. THE KID IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME! And here I am, looking at his image on the computer. It's sick. I'm working on it.

5. I know nothing of the penis. Nothing. My parents told me not to whore around in college, but I'm thinking maybe I should have so I would have enough reference points to know what is normal. Diaper changes and bath time sometimes leave me a little worried. The penis likes to change appearance from day to day, hour to hour, I've found. A little tepid bath water can confuse a mommy. Gonna have to make this area Daddy Duty, I just can't be expected to deal with this. Nick thinks it's weird to have a man-to-man penis check with his son. I told him I'd be happy to take the job, but if we have a little girl one day that means he has to explain tampons.

Gotta do wardrobe checks and gather props for tomorrow's first family portrait day. Psycho mommy has been so busy ironing her own wardrobe she can't locate baby's little white polo.

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