Peek into my world.

Tonight was a perfect night. I was in the Mommy Zone. You know, that place you get to when you realize that every little decision you make works out PERFECTLY!   One of the most obnoxious parts of my nights is the Witching Hour. During the time period between 5:00 and 6:30 (yes, the Witching Hour is 90 minutes) the following events occur in any order - and at times simultaneously:  Nurse the baby, entertain the toddler, feed the toddler a snack, feed the toddler dinner, cook dinner, clean up school bags (them and me).

First thing I did right: Plan ahead kiddie snacks. I invested in some snack size baggies and filled them with healthy snack options. I put some in the fridge filled with baby carrots, sliced cucumbers and peppers, and sliced pears. (All separated out, so he could pick his favorite) And I stuck them on the slide out tray that's right at his height. I also put some mini Nilla wafers, veggie stix, and boxed Raisins in a Cade basket in the pantry. And the best idea yet (thanks Pinterest!): frozen grapes in baggies in the freezer. (Ours is a slide out drawer on the bottom of our fridge, so Cade has easy access.)

Success #2: I turned off the tv and made Cadester hang out in the kitchen with me while I cooked. He picked his snack/appetizer (frozen grapes) and made artwork with dot markers and glittery foam stars.

Devyn (my 6 month old) hung out in her walker car with teethers. She loved watching her big brother so much, we ended up popping her on the table in her Bumbo chair to get a better view.

Mommy's cooking dinner, the kids are hanging out together.

She would laugh and him and drop her toy, he would help her out in between coloring. He loved singing to her and talking with me. I had on 103.7 Delilah and we danced to love songs in between my cooking breaks.

My next success: I found a fabulous recipe on Allrecipes.com for Honey Mustard Chicken. The app on iPad is amazing.  If you aren't familiar, you must read the user comments. Thank God I did because they recommended using MUCH less butter (still tasted great) and suggested using breadcrumbs.  If I can break out my Panko, I'm excited. My chicken was delish. Served up with a side of microwaved sweet potatoes and broccoli.  It was so fab! I don't know about you, but I feel like freaking super mom when I try a new recipe or bust out a tasty din din.

As it was baking, Cade put the finishing touches on his artwork. (I ever so gently held his hand as he wrote "Cade" in that top right corner. I never know how much I am guiding. Like a Ouija board, is the magic within or was I just cheating? I'm not sure.) He decided Daddy needed this masterpiece. Mommy is jealous. Time to remind him about my episiotomy? I guess not.

9 DOC days!

Wow, 9 weeks flies when you're in a DOC band... um, okay, when your baby is in a DOC band. There were only maybe 30 sticker-less minutes total. I never put the pirate stickers on, for some reason I thought those would be cute and match his cute little "Argh" onesie, but that's just it. There's only one pirate onesie. We rocked stars, skater/rocker, puppies, Huskers, football, baseball, and stars again!

Just finished another week back to work. The labor day weekend was so amazing. I wanted to spend every spare second with Cade. It was easier to take a break from him when I was on maternity leave, it was a must-do to take care of myself. But now, Monday thru Friday, it's hard to commit myself to anything that takes me away from him. I want to enjoy a few hours of "me time", whether it's go to the gym, store, or dinner out without him. But I desperately need to be with him right now. It's so hard! Last night I had an amazingly yummy dinner with the girls, loved every minute, wanted to stay longer, everything was great! Then as soon as I got in the car I couldn't get home fast enough. Sure enough, I walk in the door and the house is silent. I totally missed him. Dinner, bath, rocking to sleep. All the best parts, I missed.

I did committ cardinal sin. I took the sleeping baby out of his crib and held him, talked to him, rocked him for 20 minutes in the nursery. Just me, love songs with Delilah, and my baby. Heaven! But the longer I rocked and spoke to him I started to get sad. Argh, there's nothing like the guilt trips I've put myself on since going back to work. I've never felt more guilty in my life, no matter what choice I make there's not time to give 110% to everything.

Picking him up from daycare is the best part of my day. I love the women who work there, they're all amazing and so sweet. You feel like they personally like you and your baby. I wonder if it's a rule there that they have to pour on the compliments to the baby when the mommy is around. Why does hearing how cute and precious and fun Cade is make me trust them so much more? Hm... I'm like, "YES! He is! You're right, you GET him!"

Yesterday I went to pick him up and he was not in the baby room. I kind of freaked. It was a looong 30 seconds before the director of the daycare came in holding him. Uh-oh! wtf?! She said "I was just taking Cade to visit the room next door. He is so funny, he's laughing out loud, real giggles, just cracking up!" and she looked at me so amazed. I must have looked like a total zombie mom, I was just like "Uh, yeah. He does that." I was so relieved that he was fine, more than fine, but I was also relieved that he didn't do something like walk or say his first word without me. Whew, laughing I'd already witnessed first. Thank God.

Can you imagine him doing something new at daycare? Without me? Without video?! Die. I would just die. I would take that baby into lockdown and not let him leave me for days. No ones going in, noones coming out. Yep. That's the plan. No new skills when Mommy's not there.

Anyways, life is good. It's Friday. It's before 10pm and I'm going to bed. Only way today is getting better is if someone brings me fried pickles and a chocolate malt.

Shout-outs to my top 3 readers: Amy, Melissa, and Aunt Kelly! love you ladies!

The worst hangover...

Imagine the biggest party you went to in college. (Yes, I have to conjure up memories of college, that's how far back the party-hardy days are!) Great DJ, strobe lights, loud group singing until you lost your voice, and dancing until your feet bled. Then imagine you only got 4 hours of sleep and had to go to a football game the next day.

That's pretty much how I felt at 9:00pm last night after my first week back at school with the kids AND coming home to a baby. I was exhausted. And the thing is, so was every other teacher I know this week. By 3:00pm yesterday we were a rambling group of fools. Some of us were sauntering down the hallway, shuffling along barely able to pick up our feet off the floor. Others of us were prancing and bouncing down the hallway, so thrilled for it to be Friday you'd think they put crack in the teacher's lounge iced tea. I was the latter, totally delirious at the thought of a weekend at home with my family.

I went out with the girls (Congrats to my good friend who got engaged!!! eee!) and had to bail by 8:15pm. I desperately wanted to both stay out and talk all night long AND go home to cuddle my baby and get in bed. I feel like I am my own twin, totally different people and totally different goals at different parts of my day.

Being a teacher I am so involved and passionate and in love with my students, I would lay down across train tracks for these kids. Then 4:00 comes around and I start to hyperventilate. There's still so much I want to do for my students and yet I have GOT to get home to Cade. The clock is already ticking down the last precious hours of his day and each minute I spend at school is one less minute I get with my baby. Arrrghhh! How does anyone balance it? I've lived both indulgences...The days I could spend hours upon hours thinking about my kids and coming up with all sorts of things to tweak each of their lives even just a little bit for the better. Then the glorious maternity leave days when my whole world was Cade. Both were so indulgent and fabulous, now I'm stuck in both and haven't quite figured out how to have my cake and eat it too.

It's exhausting...Being a working mom is like the worst hangover of my life. Surely I'll figure this out, yet another challenge of motherhood. So far I've tried what I did in college to remedy a hangover: chicken tenders, ranch, and endless Diet Dr Pepper, all day in comfy clothes, butt on the couch. I couldn't even sneak in a nap because little man is so damn cute and entertaining he kept me up. Yeah, yeah, nap when the baby naps you say. I say A. he's a catnapper on weekends. B. when he does nap I choose eat. C. maybe if I napped instead of snacked I'd lose the last damn 5 pounds from hell. Anyways, I've got a lot to figure out. Tips are appreciated. (both advice and monetary tips are accepted).

Back to Work..

Back to work,
Back to work,
To prove to my husband that I'm not a jerk.

Gotta do my part to support the fam, but really, does it have to involve being away from my baby? I've considered other ways I could possibly make money by staying home and playing with my baby all day. I've heard foot porn can be lucrative. Like you sell your socks and pictures of your feet to people who are into that. Of course, a girl's gotta have standards... but what if that did pay well? You could probably write off pedicures as a business expense. I'm just sayin'...

Um, so day 3 of back to work is done. 186 more to go. (yep, I'll be counting) First day wasn't so bad, I'm still six years old apparently by getting all worked up for going back to school. Then came the second day, about 11:30am when it hit me that I have to continue to go back to work. Every. Day. I tried deep breathing, I tried forcing a smile, I tried pretending I was totally cool, then I decided to just close my eyes and shake it off and out came the tears.

Uncontrollable, big fat, I can't see three inches in front of me, TEARS. And then I thought about all of the things I could be doing with Cade, and the breathing stopped. Okay, it started and stopped, but you get the picture. Thank God for waterproof Almay mascara, ya'll. It just dissolved, no big black streaks. I called my mom, I called my husband. I tried to collect myself as I sat in an empty classroom and pumped away.

It was misery. Today was better, but when I think about how much I'm torn between loving my students and loving my son I start to lose it. I want so badly to have my cake and eat it too. Work with these amazing kids, and yet feel like I have enough time with Cade. I don't know how to balance it and get everything that needs doing done. It will be better when the kids start coming and then I'll be wrapped up in everything that is fun and fabulous about them. Until then, I'm heartbroken. Scratch that...My heart now beats outside my body, and I'm separated from it for 9 hours a day. Every working mom deserves a big fat gold medal and diamond tiara to wear every day. I'm putting in an order for us at Tiffany's!