the freakshow

What I am hating about being 10 months pregnant...Mostly the behavior of strangers is so obnoxious, and they have no clue just how obnoxious they are.

1. Staring at my belly. Nope it's not a basketball under there. That's my child. Horrifying isn't it? No? Then why are you looking at me like that? Literally at a restaurant with the girls last night I had multiple tables of people gawk at me as I walk by (sorry my belly was in your face as you were eating your dinner, unfortunate table heights, no?). That's all well and good, I'm guilty of making horrified looks at your freakiness too. But to comment within my earshot? That's just tacky. I'm pretty sure I heard "Whoa...hahaha! Look at that!"

2. Not giving me ample room to pass, and yet at the same time giving me waaaay too much room too pass. Both are rude. Yes, I'd prefer you to get out of my way and give me the right of way as my balance and agility have taken a significant decline lately. But to take 4 giant steps back and hold out your arms for passerby? Unneccessary. I don't recall putting the "wide load" sign on my ass and turning on the warning beeps.

3. Older women starting polite convo about babies and then waxing on for-ev-er about how much this will be the best experience in my life and nothing is like it. It's uncomfortable for me to stare into your watery eyes as you reminisce about your precious little angel. My precious little angel is overdue and I'm desperate to meet him. Thanks for reminding me.

And.... it's not like I'm totally innocent sweet little prego. Nope. I'm aware that I'm kind of scary right now. I know my big belly about to pop makes you uncomfortable and I really do apologize for the obnoxious belly button (my hitchhiker Nick calls it). But mostly, you new moms with your week old babies need to beware. I'm so jealous I just might grab your baby out of its infant carrier and run away with it.

It just reminds me of all the little baby parts that I can't wait to see. Like, how could I forget how sweet little baby fingers are? They way they grab onto your finger for life. What??? I'd forgotten about that. I've been so busy daydreaming about Cade's little nose that I forgot that he will also have little tiny feet. How did I forget to daydream about baby feet? Another factor that goes into my newborn baby craze is that I want to hold them up to my stomach and guess about how big exactly Cade is. Ya know, find out just what I'm in for? I'd like to know. So..I'm aware that I'm not allowed to grab other people's children and examine them and run away with them, so I'd prefer to avoid people under 2 months old. I'm afraid that I prefer to deliver my baby at the proper hospital, and not so much at the prison hospital.

i'm gonna be grossed out...

if my belly button "pops".





I mean, Jesus, I'm no Thanksgiving turkey. Do they make something special to prevent this? Is there at least a handy little cover that, um, smoothes it down? Like belly button Spanx? I'm seriously going to feel like such a freak. Some things are just wrong. SO glad I don't have a belly piercing.

AND this convo is making me miss my old stomach. I'm too vain to have a child, no? Gonna go lather up the Mustella.

OH, and to the jerk who thought it was appropriate to stand within my 5 inch personal space radius whilst in the line at Subway, I hate you. So does my banana baby (it's that long this week, hence the name). For real though, back up off it! You're sandwiching me in between your fat belly in your cheap suit and bad Trump hair, and the lady in front of me who conveniently is paying for 4 subs with separate checks. I know my girls are considerably big and perky these days, but gander down south about 4 inches and you'll notice I'm carrying the miracle of life. I'm certain the Virgin Mary didn't get ogled and nearly groped by your fat fingers as you gestured across me to the tomatoes you wanted. As if the Subway people were confused about WHICH tomatoes your meatball sub needed. Punk.