Fourth of July

I love a holiday, I really do! Howevs lately I've noticed they are....um...judge me, but a BIT of a beating.  Even before kids I would feel the need to make sure we had Events. Fun Stuff. And I felt like a failure of a holiday if we didn't go out and make the most of every minute. I like to think it's because I just like to have fun and spend quality time with my people.  It also has gotten worse with the online era, Pinterest invading me with the idea that all of my friends have got it going on with fabulous family parties and DIY decor and activities. And surely, everyone must be having more fun than us. And cuter fun too.  What a buzzkill to find yourself napping on the couch. Just as you doze off into a nice daze of holiday relaxation it hits you that your mantle is a mish mash of random vase, candlesticks, and kid art instead of bunting and holiday subway art. You flip through your holiday pinboard and think "Oh yeah!!! I was going to DIY this! George Washington and John Adams would be v. disappointed at my lack of festive patriotic decor! Oh God, I'm a Bad American!"

 Hubs has no such guilt. Hubs would prefer the couch and relaxing and a good hour or two of family quiet time. Me however? I'm fighting off Pinterest Cancer. Hardcore. I don't think it's in the Bill of Rights or Ten Commandments that you must have custom made bunting, meals where every food item is color-coordinated to the holiday and has cutesy little custom-font nametags so you're eating red-white-and-blue-Betsy-Ross-blueberry-muffins and drinking your chia seed organic pomegranate Star Spangled Smoothie and then lead your family outside to play 13 Colony Cornhole, followed by your DIY pyrotechnic show. And mason jars. Everywhere.  Tons of mason jars that have been custom painted and filled with your own homegrown basil,d lavender and baby's breath. Oh, and a burlap wreath with your monogram on the front door.  All of that? Friends, that is what we call B.S.  If that is your house I'm so sad I didn't get a custom made Cricut invite to come play. Because I'd walk in and love every second and pretend to live in your little Pottery Barn life.

But if you're like me, you need to know the cure for Pinterest Cancer? A big healthy dose of Whatever.

Whatever looks like extra time in your jammies on the couch with a cup of coffee and the Today show on. Sister, you need those minutes to figure out if Matt Lauer is still sexy or if he's a royal man club ass  because jeez- who would ever want to make Ann Curry cry? Who I tell you?! THAT is life.  Because you can interrupt those internal debates with yourself to play with your kids, talk with them, answer the millions of Why's and How's. You can kiss their bare tummy and tickle their toes, because when they're fifteen you won't want to do that. At least I don't think so. I reckon they will still be cute, and you will still love them so much it hurts. But they're be smelly.

So instead, you wake up, you look at your husband and appreciate  him them. You swallow your Whatever with your coffee, and appreciate how green your grass is. THEN wake up the kids and let them have good ol' fashioned fun. Donuts on the side of the road? Yes. Playing catch with Daddy so you can sip your water and play Candy Crush as you wait for the parade to start. Bubbles, chalk, poppers, playing catch, Capri Sun, and glow sticks. That's fun. That's life. That's Keeping It Real.  And the kids will never miss the mason jars. Or baby's  breath. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family fun at the Perot Museum

Over our winter break we took our whole family (both sides of grandparents) to the newly opened Perot  Museum of Nature and Science. I am so excited that Dallas has a new museum! We have had so much fun going to the Dallas World Aquarium and the Museums at Fair Park, so the prospect of a HUGE new museum was right up this family's alley.

There are five floors with eleven permanent exhibits in this totally state of the art building. I am gonna have a momma confession, this girl who gets her news from Kidd Kraddick and E! wasn't pumped about getting my learn on, I was most thrilled to take a ride on their all-glass elevators and escalator. Due to my strollerage I was unable to get on the escalator, but I did enjoy MANY rides on the elevators. Like mother like son, Cade was pumped because he thought the elevators MUST be home to Zurg, the mean Darth Vadar-esque guy from Toy Story 2. So every time we got on the elevator he would get this creepy look on his face and use his creepster voice to talk to Zurg.

It's so hard not to be amazed at every exhibit they have! The first stop for us was the dinosaurs. Cade was wondering why they didn't have their skin on. Um, I dunno buddy. Momma doesn't want to explain decomposition to you. Oh wait- there's an example of a fossil footprint and bones in a rock, okay, so that explains that!  He also loved being the keeper of the map (see his back pocket). I couldn't resist how presh he was in his new dark denims, black Chucks, and the rolled up map in the pocket. Such a big boy, I don't even know what to do but hug and kiss him everywhere. Call CPS. I'm obsessed with my own kid. (Most of the time, unless he's being obnoxious and jumping off from couch to couch and introducing himself to others as "Bruce Wayne Batman Cade Lamb". Jeez)

Each exhibit had the main part and an activity or two for little kids. It was great! I don't feel like I missed out on too much while I was busy juggling the kids and making sure nobody got lost. On this pic above there were magnetic dino bones that kids got to put together.

The weather room was one of the family favorites. There was a platform that you could stand on that simulated various size earthquakes. Both kids LOVED IT!  I also loved the docent who kindly rebuffed the jerkface in front of us who complained that "What?! We only get to stay on for one earthquake, last time we got to stay on for THREE!" And the docent kindly said, "Last time it wasn't the holidays and there wasn't a long line behind you."  Face! I was so proud of him for kindly shutting them up. Don't go whining in the museum and passive-aggressively attacking the docent, GROWN RETIRED WOMAN! 

 

Devyn took her ride on the Minor Earthquake turn. Oh yeah, and said Rude Jerkface's son whined about the ride being a Minor Magnitude. Hello?! Babies get to experience earthquakes too, and good Mommas don't let them experience major earthquakes until age 3. I'm amazed that some people always find something to complain about. Why they gotta be like that ALL THE TIME?!  My inner waitress fist bumps me and wags her finger in total agreeance. *vent complete*

I was so excited to get off the earthquake and spot a real live water cycle. I let Devyn push her way through the crowd to get in line for a turn with the -ations. You know, evaporation condensation precipitation? Check out the sweet shot Uncle Alex got below.

The Perot Museum also had tributes to oil drilling with a huge phallic drill, geodes and gemstones galore (making me ever regret not buying that gorge blue opal ten years ago during my study abroad in Australia!), a physical and kinetic exhibit where you could race a T-Rex, Olympic gymnast, basketball player, etc, and the children's museum.

Oh the children's museum! I wish I had pics to share, but I was having too much fun watching the kids. This summer I could totally see us spending a whole day in just the children's museum section. They have interactive camping, farming, construction, art, climbing for toddlers, and a cityscape the kids can climb and slide around. Very awesome.

We finished our day with dinner at Il Cane Rosso in Deep Ellum. If you haven't been, take yo'self! They have awesome family sized salads and pizza to share. Their mommy juice, Crangria, is cranberry sangria fabulosity. Just do it. And then save room for their dessert, the Italiano version of beignets. Basically funnel cake-like donut holes that come in a warm bag of powdered sugar and a side of chocolate dipping sauce. Amazeballs. Literally.

Review:
Ages: 0-100. yes!
Kid friendly: As I said earlier, there are toddler and preschooler friendly parts to each exhibit. It was very geniusly laid out and planned. The bathrooms are perf, and there are plenty of places to sit and cover up if you're a nursing mom. There are also parks and places to sit if you pack your own snacks, they also have a cafe but we didn't check that out.
Parking: There are plenty of pay lots surrounding, or you can reserve parking cheaper online for $4.
Momma Tip: During holidays and busy seasons you can and SHOULD buy your tix online to make sure you get in. They will turn you away at the door if you don't have a reservation. Also there are heaps of long lines inside (it looks like an airport when you first walk in), so get those tix online so you don't have to deal with that mess.  Teachers- you get in free with your district ID. The only glitch is you can reserve your free teacher ticket online, so you must buy a ticket and reserve it online if you want to guarantee you get in.

wtf, Pinterest?!

Before you hate me and walk off, stay with me for a minute. I love Pinterest. Too much. I seriously adore it. But of course with every rose comes a few thorns, amiright?  Okay, you're still not with me. Give me one more second of your time. Do you truly think everything on Pinterest is a good idea? Are you a Pinaholic who will put anything and everything on your boards, regardless of whether you'd actually ever make or do it yourself?  You need an intervention. I'm here to give it to you.

Bad ideas on Pinterest.
#1. The flip flop hanger. Who is actually going to hang up your flops at the end of the day? Why do this?  Is there not a shelf or rack you can flop them on. For God's sake people, do you find no joy in flicking your foot and having your flops flip right into the closet?

No, I'm not going ot install a rod at the bottom of my closet. No I'm not going to fashion cute little hangers for my flops, complete with swirly ends and fabric neckware. What is that? NO!

#2. Spaghetti hot dog nastiness.

In whose world is this appetizing? Okay, maybe your one year old's... but it doesn't have to become their favorite food. Restrain yourself. Make a PB&J. I'd rather see a fancy bento box that took you 40 minutes to make than this monstrosity of culinary fails. What momma has time to shove spaghetti into raw hotdogs? Does that even work? The sensory of that just creeps me out. My personal tactile nightmare. omg.... It looks so digusting after it's been cooked too. The only reason your kid would eat this is because he's worried what his psychopath momma is gonna do next. In fact, he's sending his resume to Honey Boo Boo's momma. Excuse me, maybe it's not so bad.......Oh, but it is. It is bad, and thanks for the million versions of re-pinning this loser idea. So  not only did you actually cook this, but you reblogged it as your own idea. Oh yeah, you added ketchup. That's great. That's just great. Spaghetti in ketchup. Looks like a bloody nightmare. I just can't. Don't tell me it's just like marinara. What kid doesn't like a regular plate of sketti or a good ol' fashion dog grilled right? Please, serve these "centipedes" at your dinner party and let's tell each other some cool puns.

#3.  Lame comments on your pins. When I repin your deal, I don't want to have to delete your lame-o phrases such as "I'll be glad I pinned this later!"  or "Pin now, read later"  Um, thanks for the tips Miss Helpful. What would I do without you?!  You mean, I can pin it now...without reading the link...then go back...and read it later? You revolutionary, you.

#4 Pics of animals with not-so-clever puns.

This little guy got 108 likes and 498 repins. Really? You  need to repin that to enjoy later. I hate to be your coworker... "Hey Cindy, you've got to come check this out!" So you rush over thinking there's something worthy of interrupting your workload. And on their little iPhone they proudly show you this little gem. Um... thanks? You muster a half smirk. They look at you like you're all crazy. "Don't you get it? Cover Squirrel? Like Cover Girl!"  Oh yeah, you're right, Betty. I'm the crazy one!

#5 Workout "motivation".

This is going to motivate me to buy a better bra. Or get a boob job. Or get a manicure and forget my pants.  I despise teeny tiny bodies giving me workout wisdom.  There are ton of links to really great health and fitness sites that have helped me out so much. I'm seriously only bugged by these random pics with workout tips.  I'm certain this chick is not known at the "fit friend".  The tanning bed junkie with a breast infection, maybe.


There are so many more on Pinterest....I'm tempted to create a board dedicated just to the bad ideas of Pinterest. I wonder if the makers of Pinterest ever get totally pissed. I'm certain at their work happy hours they sit around looking at these Pins and saying to each other, "This is NOT what we created this site for!! We are not better than Facebook because of this!"  And debating on whether they find a away to cancel all the lame pins or promote free speech.

At least that's what they do in my head....
Night bloggies.
-me

Potty Training....groan!!

Check out our potty chart. At first glance you see tons of stickers, so you'd think we are having huge successes. Actually, we're not completely there yet. Notice the one lonely star in the blue "poo poo" column. Groannnn!  Actually getting him trained for #1 wasn't bad. He was trained in about a week. He was exposed to the potty chair in our bathroom and we let him try it when he was ready starting at about 2 1/2ish. He could pee in the potty every now and then. No probs. We did a weekend a few months later of potty training on the big potty with a little seat on top. That went well, with several accidents. No biggie, to be expected. So off to daycare. We had some issues on day #1 and #2 at school,  but by the end of the week -- no accidents! Yay Cadester! He wore a pull-up to nap in and outside at recess. Finally we're just wearing a pull-up to nap at school and nighttime at home.

Surprise!

Here's the embarassing part. He has issues with going #2 in the potty. I've read about kids not wanting to give it up. Like they feel like their poo is a part of them. I don't know. It's weird. I don't get it. Apparently I wasn't the easiest child to potty train, so KARMA.  I can NOT figure out how to get him to go in the potty.

We tried the big bribe. We tried "You go poo poo in the potty and you go to the toy store and pick out a big toy!" So the first time he goes (at night...after stores are closed...and mommy is home alone with both kids...FAIL), so the first time he goes we go to the store the next day.

He got a cool toy and then we had to go to birthday party. No time to play with it. FAIL. He comes home, shows Daddy and we play and play. 2 days later he poops in the potty again. Then we realize, this kid will not poop every day. He will wait until the magic moment his pull up is on in bed. And typically when one parent is in the shower or in bed themselves to start to whine, "I go poo poo".  So we get all excited and say "Yay! Lets go, lets go potty!" And he goes, "No.... I go poo poo." #@$!  wth, kid?! 

When? When will it get better? What do I have to do to convince him the POTTY is where poo poo belongs? It is killing me. I can change the baby's poop all day long. (okay, kind of.) But I can NOT deal with this mess in pull ups. Oh, and the weekly accident in the underpants is getting old. I've been nice "Oh, okay, honey it happens. Maybe next time you will get it in the potty."  That hasn't worked. So I've been not so nice. That certainly hasn't worked. I don't get it. So today I change the baby, change my clothes after work and go looking for the little boy who is eerily quiet. I find him stuck behind the kitchen trash can. With wet pants.  And a puddle on the floor. Groannnnn....

I take im to his room to clean him up and he tells me he's hungry for a snack. As I get a wipey and tell him that we'll get clean first then get a snack, he holds out a fist. Then he says what sounds like "I already have a snack" and held out a little turd. w.t.h????!!!!  So insanely not cool, kid. What do I do with that? I have cleaned up this child's throw up so much this week. I've cleaned up his daddy's throw up. I've cleaned up my own throw up. And now this.

Happy Friday. I stop here. My gift to you. Confirmation that your week HAD to be better.
xoxo,
Lambie

 

WTF, Uptown Mommies?!

I have been holding onto this rant for awhile. Partly because at first I thought I was missing out on something, and maybe the issue was with me. Then my better sense kicked in and I said to myself (and now you) WTF is going on with Uptown Mommies?!

The girls I am talking about are the stiletto strutting mommas who go out at 9:00pm wearing their size zero mini dresses.  They get out of their Escalades, then patiently pose on the curb as their hubs (also hot) reach back into the car and bring out their infants. Wait--- what!?! I am 100% in support of Momma's Night Out and Date Night. I just don't get the baby for late night dinner and drinks (I have seen this happen on a few occasions in West Village). Could it be that I am truly missing out on something good here?

Let's over-analyze the sitch:
1. They have no sitter.
Bunk! I spy you rocking those Marc Jacob bags and Manolos. You clearly can afford not one, but two nannies. That can't possibly the reason. (unless is Nanny's Night Out. Hm. Scandal!)

2. They think this a new trend.
No! We are NOT replacing purse dogs with babies. I don't care if you, hubs, and baby are all wearing color coordinated outfits. (Confesh, I SO coordinate whenevs I can. Trickier with two kids, but I digress.) Maybe they were attention whores and wanted to have the night crowd gush over little Sophia Lynne. I don't know about them, but I have to beat off the baby paparazzi during the day. Maybe they wanted a different type of attention. The "But you're too skinny and hot to have a baby!" I wouldn't know what that kind of attention is like. Maybe it's addictive?

3. Their babies will just sleep through everything anyways and they have a nanny back home who let Momma and Dads sleep in the next morning while the kids are attended to.
Ohhhhh. Got it. Only took me 3 tries but this MUST be what's happening here.

I wonder about the logistics of their night. I would never wear stilettos if I knew I was bringing my baby anywhere with me. Carrying that heavy infant carrier or even my heavy infant would totally throw off my balance. It would be very unglam. Then there is the issue of their mini dresses. Maybe there was a nursing bra underneath, but how were they going to pull that off? They weren't. (I'm so not a nursing nazi, but I will take some liberties in feeling superior... It makes me feel better after the 2 minutes I spend each day gazing at all the pretty little underwire bras laying in the lingerie drawer unused. And lonely.)  Did I mention that it's very tricky to find a trendy going out outfit that you can rock the nursing bra with? Or at least some substantial supporters for the Momma Guns. I've made the tragically painful mistake of wearing my strapless out one night. I was not about to let a little underwire get in the way of me rocking that cute little size 6! Fast forward 4 hours later... I had filled up so much that I was practically popping out of said dress. Ice would have ditched CoCo if he had seen these girls.  So the bra. The bra alone makes me wonder how and why they got out of the house with the newborns. 

Another issue was how did these girls get their hubs to agree to this? It was a group dinner situation. Two couples brought their babies, the other were without children. The men in the situation were the ones carrying the diapers and Chanel diaper bags. No way would that go down in my house. (The Chanel bag. I'm certain hubs can handle "babysitting" when it involves me nursing the baby to sleep then making a mad dash out for a few hours with the girls. He would MUCH prefer that to dealing with a baby in the crowd of Hot Little Urban Yuppies.)

I just don't know what to think about this sitch. I am all for bringing baby with me where I go. But after hours? How is that a relaxing night out for you? How is the baby getting good rest? Tell me your newborn can only sleep to clubby music, and the lights are dimmed anywhere you go at that hour anyways. Even more intriguing to me is did these mommies take their babies out to the next hotspot? What did they do next-- Karaoke? Bar hop?

I couldn't stick around to stalk these McCrazies. I had to go home by midnight so I could be alive enough to be a good momma the next day. Ain't no hangover like a sleepy mommy with energetic toddler and demanding little newborn.  It's second in misery to the time I thought I was a bartender freshman year and made Long Islands at that house party. So like a good Momma I had to go home by midnight to get my rest and pump (Cinderella's curfew. My boobs might have turned into pumpkins had I stayed out another hour longer.)

What do you think? Babies out on the town past 9pm. Do we like this?

Prego vents

Here we go....prego vents!

I'm clearly about ready to pop. I know you think this means I shouldn't be out in public, but a girl's gotta be places. How about in a crowded mall you MOVE your booty outta my way. I can't just quickly swerve my body around you. Okay, I probably could but it would make me more uncomfortable. You don't realize that I'm 36 weeks pregnant, it's 100 degrees outside, I'm having Braxton Hicks (which means my stomach has temporarily turned to a ball of concrete with a little knee lodged between my tender stomach muscles) and that my body has 40-50% more blood volume, which just so happens to be pooled somewhere below my belly button and above my thighs. MOVE YOUR ASS outta my way!!

I wish people would give me girth. Trust, you will so not hurt my feelings if you keep a good yard away from me. Does my poked out belly button not serve as a beacon to back up? At least it's a small signal that I'm operating at maximum capacity. I may not look like a Mack truck, but that's how I feel.

Another gripe: hurry up. If you see me juggling a stroller, wrangling my toddler (no, I don't "leash" him, thanks for the suggestion, douche), and holding my stomach with white knuckles--- it probably means you should woman up and let me go ahead of you in line. If you're a sales person, just hurry up. Cut the chit chat and upsells. I don't need to be a valued customer and get your emails. Give me your rewards discount and get me outta there.

Memo to salespeople: I get it. I'm pregnant and you asking me all abut it makes you look friendly. It's annoying to me to share my joy in the same three scripted sentences at every store with every "associate". 1- I'm 9 months along 2- it's a girl 3- yes it's super special to have one of each "we lucked out". Do you want me to tell you how I obsessively read every website on gender selection sway techniques, highlighted a book and considered investing thousands in sperm spinning to separate the girls from the boys?

Memo #2 to salespeople: yes, your store has tons of cute shit for baby girls. I don't need you to point it put to me. I'd MUCH prefer to discover the special ruffle butt diaper cover all on my own. It's called thrill of the hunt. And when I spend ten urea debating which baby girl socks: ballerina or Mary Jane style, paisley or butterfly, I am actually highly enjoying myself, I don't want your opinion. It's MY daughter. Not yours. Mine!!!! Tmes like this. Wish I was either a. Autistic and could speak my mind without realizing others were having weird thoughts about me, b. Two years old and can look cute throwing a "mine" fit, or c. 80+ years old so people could write me off as senile when I tell you to "suck it, Missy!"

Whew!!! Shopping prego can be exhausting. Thanks to the salespeople fun-suckers who drained my reserves today. You made my two year old seem like an angel. Oh wait, he is.