I've Never...

A drinking game for parents. That's what we need. Grab a sippy and pick your poison. So many wth moments happen after you get pregnant that I think instead of living in shame and hiding away all those embarrassing, gross, and unbelievable stories we should share them all. By playing "I've never" --- the parenthood version. If you HAVE experienced the event, then congrats, you drink your poison. From the minute that pregnancy test comes back positive start collecting your stories girls and guys, they will come in handy for this game.

So many times we are obligated to not share these tales of horror and humiliation, for fear that our newlywed friends won't procreate, for fear that our single friends will never want to get married and procreate, for fear that our other mommy and daddy friends will realize we aren't the Stepford couple we pretend to be. Let's get real. You're a lot more interested in the "My son peed in my favorite cup while standing bare assed in the back of my Yukon at the gas station" story than the tale of me attempting baby yoga and stats about teething. Because you know you have another story just as crazy and stupid. And because it feels just so damn good to laugh at ourselves together than sit in silence and worry about being good enough.

I won't leave you hanging. My whole purpose for posting today was to share my journey from how a simple trip to the grocery store ended with my 3 year old ruining my fave cup. On the way out of the grocery store today my car started dinging that the gas was in empty. Argh! Hubs loves to just fill up $10 at a time. Drives me nuts. Almost as nuts as $80 gas runs. So we stopped off and I commit to using all of my 30 cents off per gallon discount. About $25 into pumping gas and singing our third round of the ABC's Cade announces that he needs to go potty. I told him that we'd go home and he could potty in a minute. He said, "Mommy I GOT to go potty" and for the first time in his life he whimpered he was holding it so hard. I tried to convince him to wait so I could drive across the street to Wendy's. He just kept saying, "Mommy I GOT to go potty". I looked around. No bushes. I got a visual of him peeing on the gas pump. Stupid brain, wasting time!!! Thankfully I remembered my friend Sara telling me the time she was stuck on the Tollway in traffic and her son had to pee in a water bottle. Yes! I surely have a container in here. I looked at my water bottle. In the death grip of a cranky infant. No dice. I dug through my school bag of Ziplock containers with leftover gridoo from lunch smeared all in it. Another completely unhelpful and yet totally nauseating visual of what that could have ended up looking like popped into my NOT HELPFUL brain. I saw it. The solution. But nooooo.....not my favorite cup! My Presby of Plano cup that I won from giving birth to a seven pound baby would NOT be the pee cup. But the whimpering started. I yelled, "UNBUCKLE YOURSELF!!! Mommy has a plan!"

(As I type this I question what on Earth the man at the next pump must have been thinking. First the ABC's, then this?)

So I yank him to the back of the Yukon, shove aside the groceries and pull down his pants. God bless little boys. He didn't question me one bit. He was totally chill (or in denial) that Mommy was putting his......in a cup. And I smiled up and him and said, "Okay now, baby!". He waited. Then I waited and waited. And waited. Homeboy filled a THIRD of my cup. My trophy cup! Now his cup. Now a cup that lives in the trash at the gas station.

I've never. Until today. I'm going to need to do something badass to score myself another trophy cup. And just think. It would have been perfect for my new parenthood game with friends.