really?

Today I left my family chiropractor appt (lame or badass, you decide) and as Cade waved bye-bye to my mom and I got this kind of ashamed feeling. I don't even know that you would call it ashamed, but all of the sudden I felt all embarassed. I looked at her, and I thought "Really, mom? YOU let ME have a kid of my own?!"

I physically had to shake the thought off so I could buckle in Cade and drive home. But sometimes that happens to me, more so right after we brought him home from the hospital, but every now and then I question it all. It feels like I snuck into the motherhood club, the bouncer turned his back and I slipped under the velvet ropes. Not that I'm complaining, it's freaking fantastic--- but when will I stop looking over my shoulder? When I stop worrying that someone will figure out maybe I don't have all the necessary requirements and take Cade away from me?

Paranoia is unbecoming, so I won't harp too long. I guess sometimes I still feel like a sixth grader new to middle school. It was freaking yesterday I was arguing with my stupid jerkface science teacher about the difference between a white dwarf star and a red giant. Or don't I still need to get my advisor to approve my study abroad transfer credits? All of the sudden I'm a suburban housewife with a real live baby. hm. I just can't wrap my brain around it.

Maybe one day I'll get the confidence I want to rock it out as a mom. Until then, I'm the great pretender, just hanging out and loving every minute until I get that knock on the door that the jig is up.