baby loves flowers!

The day I was dreaming of when I was pregnant finally came! My Aunt Shanon took Cade and I to the Dallas Arboreteum. When you're pregnant you look forward to using your brand new stroller somewhere beautiful. (Oh, and having a cute baby to put in the stroller too!) Yesterday I started the day at Starbucks to treat myself to a grande mocha. The drive thru at my regular Starbucks was 8 cars long (totally inappropriate as it was not a rainy day! lazy ass Plano drivers need to get out of their car and save the drive thru for ladies with newborns)

So I went to the next Starbucks down the road and took Cade in with me. The lovely angel baristas said, "Is that YOUR baby??!" as soon as I walked in the door, causing the 8am crowd to turn around and stare at me. My first thought was Surely I don't look like a 16 yr old mom, but then they said "Look at you rocking that dress!" Um, Can I say I'm now in love with these 2 baristas and now have a new fave Starbucks? Thank you ladies for making my year. Now if only I can remember not to look naked backwards in the mirror (really, what would possess me?)...

Anyways, we picked up my Aunt Shanon and enjoyed the most gorgeous weather at the Arboreteum. The flowers were gorgeous, there were stargazer lilies galore, views of White Rock lake that were stunning, and a yummy lunch at the Garden Cafe with live music. It could not have been a better day to enjoy peach tea and stroll around outside.

uh-oh, i'm supposed to be SWEET?!

This week I've been hit by the guilt bus. There I was, enjoying my time home with Cade, when - BAM!- guilt set in. When I was out with friends last week, one bestie told me how she'd missed my being around to make snarky comments about strangers. Turns out, my friends have missed having their token bitch around, and apparently nobody has graciously stepped in to fill that role.

When I look at my sweet baby I realize that I'm supposed to be his sweet mother. And I can totally fill that role a good 80% of the time (don't want to commit myself to too much Pollyanna). But it doesn't feel like 80% is good enough. I don't want to be a Candy Spelling, and 30 years from now have Cade write this memoir of his terrible childhood with his bitch mom. Making bitchy comments and being a little bit of a bad girl is too much fun though! It's been hard to give it up this past month in favor an optimistic, loving, nurturing mother-girl.

As I poured another cup of coffee this morning (brewed to the 10 cup line today. hey-- a girl's gotta have goals!) I thought about my grandmother, Boppy, and my mom. It's not so much that I'm a total bitch per-se, it's just that I'm a little naughty. A naughty mom is a fun mom. I remember one of the first times my mom was a little bad with us. We were on a Girl Scout lock-in at the Science Place. We were leaving the bathroom and doing the Crazy song and dance. (I can teach you sometime) This other Girl Scout leader tells us to knock it off and that we are out of control and a disgrace to Girl Scouts everywhere. As she pushed by us to go join her little angels we notice that her broomstick skirt is stuck in her panties. To top it off, she must have weighed 300 lbs. Being good Girl Scouts we felt a little embarassed at having been called out, but Mom made us feel better when she said something along the lines of, "And SHE should be telling us we're a disgrace?"

My mom and grandmother, being a little naughty, took us to the Gay Pride parade in San Diego one year. They had to know if you get thousands of gays together you will see some displays of sexuality and making out. This is why we love gays, they know how to have a good time. Most parents don't take their pre-teens, but in honor of educating us and making us tolerant, there we were. Naughty, but good parenting nonetheless. How can your kids possibly become bigots or homo-phobes if you see thousands upon thousands of gays and lesbians at a young age? That many people can't be wrong.

So the pressure to be sugar-sweet all the time has lifted. Naughty moms are probably the best moms. I think most of my best memories from my childhood are from doing things just a little bit naughty. (Like those days we had TCBY for lunch) It feels good that I don't have to give up snarky comments, junk food, or try to conform to June Cleaver standards. I think most of my friends, any girl in her 20's, probably worries about losing some of herself when she becomes a mom. Letting a little glimmer of my bitchy or naughty side out isn't going to hurt my child. In fact, I hope he grows up to be the kind of man that can call a tool "a tool" with his momma.... as long as he's sweet 80% of the time.

mommyhood = the big education

After last post's incredible amount of optimism and sappiness, I've got to keep it real this time. I admit, I've had some mommy freak-outs. Is it infant acne or is it viral rash? Why is one ear bigger than the other? I've changed your diaper, fed you, given you the binky, why are you still fussing? Oh shit, you slept 5 hours in a row---are you alive?!

I don't know when it happened, but I think my guardian angel, or maybe Cade's guardian angel, spoke to me. All of the sudden I just had this thought, "This is how you learn. Let the baby teach you how to be a mother to him." Since then each little behavior is a clue and I'm trying to piece them together to figure him out so next time I have a game plan. I've learned: Panic = bad, Game Plan = good.

Other Things I've Learned So Far:
1. Babies don't sleep in. Get up at 7am with him, feed him, then feed yourself and enjoy some coffee while he enjoys his swing. I'm SO loving my coffee and newspaper time when typically I would be teaching math.
2. Diaper bag must include: diapers in the right size (oops)
3. Use a burp cloth when you burp the baby (um, yeah...acidy milk smell on clothes = rank)
4. EVERYWHERE is sold out of the MAM pacifiers size 0-2 months, so it is now my life's mission to not lose the binkies
5. Pooping up the back is real. Removing a onesie after baby has pooped up the back without
creating a "poop all over his face" situation is a fine art.
6. Going out with friends is a must! Remembering I'm a girl and that eyeliner and high heels are still acceptable accessories for a mom is a must.

So last night I had my first beer in almost a year (sweet, sweet Corona Light) AND fit into my Rock & Republics (despite the post-preg muffin top) AND high heels (bye-bye cankles!) AND hit up McKinney Avenue with friends. It felt good to remember that I'm still a girlfriend and can have fun hanging out without baby. After I dropped off the girls, however, I could not get home fast enough. It took me about 10 minutes to realize I could stop driving 5 mph below the speed limit because there was no infant in the car. I sped 5 mph over the speed limit to get home to Cade. When I made it in the door I kicked off those heels and ran to him.

When he heard my voice he smiled and that binky fell out of his mouth. It took a few seconds, but he did turn his head to me and kept smiling and cooing for me. Now I know how good it must feel for Nick to come home and get that love. And that makes lesson #7. You do have to go away for a little while, to enjoy the sweet moments you get when you come home.